“The Abstinence Corner”
How do I know when I’m ready to date?
Okay, so you’re a Christian teenager, and you’re wondering if you should get a boyfriend or girlfriend. Your friends are dating, and maybe even having sex, and you’re wondering whether or not you should do the same. Well, let me start off by saying that as Christians, we are not to be conformed to this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds through prayer and meditation on God’s Word. As ambassadors for Christ, Christians are supposed to live by a higher standard than that of their non-Christian counterparts. For some strange reason however, we desire to be just like them. Remember though that as Christians, we are the ones that they should be trying to emulate, and the the other way around.
In my last article, I wrote about 10 things that people can do in order to remain abstinent while dating. But the real question is whether or not Christian youth should even be dating in the first place. The American concept of dating is foreign to biblical Christianity. By dating as a young Christian, all you’re doing is setting yourself up to be tempted to fall into sexual sin. That’s why we needed those 10 things in order to help keep you from doing so.
Adolescence is a very difficult time in life. It’s a time when hormones are raging and your body is changing. You are now physically able to have children, yet in our society, there are things you must do first in order to prepare yourself for the future success. If you do what your flesh is telling you to do now, it will only hinder your ability to reach your spiritual and natural goals. That is why it is so hard at times. Satan does not want you to succeed. He knows that God has put greatness in you and he wants to abort your purpose before it gets the chance to develop. He would love to see you murder your own child through abortion, or become infected with an incurable STD, or have to live the rest of your life receiving public assistance because you had to drop out of school to support your child, or spending 17% of your gross income supporting a child you don’t live with. So what he does is use peer pressure, music, and the media to stir up your flesh, and make it seem like you’re strange if you’re not with somebody. That’s why we have to be very careful about the things we watch and listen to, and the people we hang around.
The biblical model for relationships is something called courtship. Courtship is different from dating because courtship has marriage as its ultimate goal. In other words, Christians shouldn’t date, just for the sake of dating and having someone to be with. We should date with the purpose in mind that this person will one day be my husband or wife. That is something that should be made clear to both parties early on in the relationship. Typically, when you’re young, and looking for a relationship, marriage is the furthest thing from your mind. All you know is that you like this person because they’re cute or “so cool”, and you want to get to know them better. We have just described something called love at first sight, or infatuation. You don’t really love that person, because you don’t know them. After being around the person for a while you get to know them better, and half the time you find out they were nothing like your fantasy made them out to be. So you break up with them. But you don’t want to be alone so you find someone else. And the cycle continues until adulthood. By the time you reach adulthood, you have so many issues from past relationships that you’re afraid to commit because you’ve been through so many head games and heartbreaks that you don’t know who to trust. You’ve now developed calluses and built up walls around your heart that will make it difficult to properly bond with your future spouse. You also have to realize that as a teen, you are still maturing, and the characteristics and qualifications you look for in a mate when you’re 16 are vastly different from the ones you look for when you’re 26. He may be Mr. Perfect, and captain of the football team now, but 10 years from now he may be a bum. That’s why it’s best to just wait on the Lord. He can see things in the future that we can’t.
There is only one person in the Bible that I can think of who got together with someone just because of love at first sight. His name was Samson. We all know how that story ended. On the other hand, the righteous people in the Bible found their spouses not by dating 50 people beforehand, but by waiting on God and choosing the first one that He had for them.
There is an old song that says “love is a gamble”. That’s a lie. Love is not a gamble. You don’t have to go through heartbreak after heartbreak looking for love until you find the right one. As long as you acknowledge God in all your ways, He will direct your paths. And He will never lead you to someone who is not a Christian, because that would be against the principles of His Word. It doesn’t matter how nice he or she is, if that person is not a believer, you’re going to have problems in either your relationship with God, your relationship with that person, or both. God knows you need a wife or a husband. All you have to do is first seek the kingdom of God and His righteousness and He will provide everything you need at the right time.
So how do you know when you’re ready to date? Well let’s see, since dating for a Christian should only be done in the context of courtship for marriage, let’s ask a few questions. Are you ready to get married? Do you have enough income to support a family? Have you finished school? Do you know what God has called you to do? Have you sought the Lord to reveal to you whom He would have for you? Are you mature enough in your Christian walk to hear Him when He reveals to you who that person is? If you can say yes to all those questions, then congratulations! You are ready to date. Otherwise, you have a few things you need to work on before considering going out on a date, lest you become attached to the wrong person, and end up doing something you may regret like falling into sexual sin or marrying Frankengroom or Bridezilla.
Always remember, it is so much better to be happily married, than crappily married. Be patient. Continue doing the will of the Lord, and waiting on Him to allow your paths to cross. When that day comes, I guarantee you will be much happier than if you went out and found your spouse on your own.
MIN. FRANK BAILEY is a certified abstinence instructor and the founder of No Wed No Bed Ministries. He teaches youth in Christian schools and churches throughout the country about the benefits of saving sex until marriage. For booking info, or to sign up for a free webinar for pastors, Christian school officials, and youth leaders regarding the need for Abstinence education for youth, call (718)228-4240, or visit www.nowednobed.org.
