Commentary:
In Defense of Husbands
In a recent “Reflections” I gave what I believed was a balanced analysis of how we should view and treat the sexually fallen, particularly those in ministry. I concluded by saying that “you have one shot at your reputation, don’t blow it.” I focused on a man’s responsibilities in marriage.
Of course, there is responsibility on the wife’s part, as well, to protect her husband from falling into what is, sadly, all too common today. While there is little that can be said in defense of David (he had MANY wives and thus, many outlets for his sexual and emotional energies), many adulteries can be avoided or prevented by strong marriages. After all, it is only the really depraved man that will cheat on his wife if he has a sexually satisfying and strong marriage of friendship, mutual interests, companionship, respect and mutual admiration. To this we now turn.
When I was about to get married a not so wise man I know said to me: “why buy a cow if milk is cheap?” He was referring to the fact that by the 1970’s (pre-AIDS) sex was abundantly available and virtually health risk free (well, if you caught an SDT it was easy to treat and cure-unlike today). So, then, WHY get married? Why take on the responsibility of a wife when there are other options? The answer is, of course, is that human beings desire sex but it is best in the context of a relationship, not just as a physical function. For this reason, commitment in lifelong marriage is the ideal, rather than bed hopping. But sex is only a small part of what a man desires and needs from his wife. He needs a lot more that is actually pretty hard to define and varies from person to person. He needs love but, more than that, he needs R-E-S-P-E-C-T as Aretha said. That is what she and we both need in the context of intimacy.
Ladies, your man needs you. He not only needs you as a sexual partner but he needs you as a “sounding board” and as a mirror from which he sees himself and gets his self esteem. Even if a man rises to dizzying heights in his profession and even if he becomes the President of the United States, he still needs to be reassured from his wife, comforted by his wife and adored by his wife. All of the accolades in the world will not replace the single most important person’s opinion of himself (after God, of course) and that is his wife. It is the wife that REALLY knows the man and thus the man gets (from her) an accurate idea of who he really is. Therefore, it is her opinion he values most, knowing that she cannot be deceived as to who he REALLY is. If the wife is too critical, however, the man gets a lopsided picture of his self worth and will look to others to balance his self esteem. If the wife adores him too much, that man can become unrealistic in his assessment of himself and “think too highly of himself than he ought.” (Romans 12:3). Typically, however, the wife is too tough on the man because she sees every little character flaw and wart up close and magnified by the constant interaction of daily life. She may thus lack the wisdom to pick her battles and work on the most important flaws first. She is always trying to change him into her ideal and may wound him in the process. This may make the wife too critical and damaging to the man’s image which is notorious for being very fragile. But make no mistake about this ladies; your man is a work in progress, as is your marriage. It is the process by which “two become one flesh” and is not without challenges. Treat your man carefully or you will suffer along with him. “Hurt people, hurt other people,” as the saying goes.
While there is utterly no justification for adultery, some situations are, at least, understandable because it is clear that the man is not getting the emotional satisfaction (and the sex that goes along with it) which he needs at home. Wives who once seemed as if they would spend every waking moment in courtship partnering with their man in activities and ventures now are distant and are of off doing their own thing. This is dangerous. Men are just as guilty. However if a man wants his wife to be with him it is never a good idea to abandon him to his friends or to others he may meet in his travels and pursuits. The result is all too often fairly predictable. Da
vid, of course, was not in this category but maybe all of his wives failed him? Who knows? Clearly he did wrong but we are all fallen beings susceptible to making big mistakes and doing strange and harmful things to ourselves and others. Let us (husbands and wives) be a team that is united against all of the stresses and attacks of the world. In short, if you want to adultery proof your marriage, try to be the best friend and wife that you can be. It is not without risks - and some may ask, “What if I invest too much and get hurt?” - but the risk of not doing that is far greater.
“Husbands love your wives, even as Christ loves the Church and gave himself up for her...” Wives, honor and respect your husbands. (Ephesians 5:25-32)
It worked then; it still works now.
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The views are solely those of the author. Comments may be emailed to Jungle Communications at naadu@junglecommunications.com or to The Love Express at Love.express@verizon.net
